THE RAPPER vs. THE ALPHA WOMAN
“She had a style, all her own, respectful and pure. I was sick in the head for her, and there wasn’t a cure.” -Immortal Technique
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How attractive, confident, independent women intimidate men? Well, let’s ask a man. In indie rapper Immortal Technique’s song “You Never Know,” he shares the story of an attractive, confident, independent woman who intimidated men (him included). In addition, to writing her a song, the music video shows him as an old man pulling out a love letter from her that he has saved for decades. Certainly, he married this woman, right? No. Was her boyfriend then? No. At least tried to make love to her? Also, no. It’s the perfect example of what continues to happen to women just like us year after year. Let’s examine a few excerpts from the song:
“She was on her way to becomin’ a college graduate/
Wouldn’t even stop to talk to the average kid/
The type of Latina I’d sit and contemplate marriage with/
Fuck the horse and carriage shit, her love was never for hire/
Disciplined, intellectual beauty is what I desire/
Flyer than Salma Hayek or Jennifer Lopez/
Everyone told me, kickin’ it to her was hopeless.”
“‘I’m not even interested’ is what her body language would say/
Everyone around the way gave up tryin’ to get in it/
It didn’t matter how good your game was, she wasn’t with it/
On the block, bitches was jealous but wouldn’t admit it.”
“She spoke intelligently and they bit it, always tryin’ to copy/
But when they tried to use her vocab, they sounded sloppy/
She had a style, all her own, respectful and pure/
I was sick in the head for her, and there wasn’t a cure.”
“We talked about power to the people and such/
We spent more time together, but it was never enough/
I never tried to sneak a touch or even cop a feel/
I was too interested in keepin’ it real/
Perfectly honest and complete/
She would always call me ‘cariño’ and never Technique/
Bought me a new book to read every two or three weeks.”
“Ended up locked up like an animal for a year
Where the C.O.’s talk to you like they were the overseer
Then I got sent to the hole when my exit was near
At night in my cell, I’d close my eyes and I’d see her
Hold her close in my dreams, but when I woke she disappeared.”
“Fuckin’ lots of different women, but I still felt alone/
Relatively well-known around the New York underground/
But I kept thinkin’ of her and how we used to be down/
The sound of her voice, and the beautiful smell of her hair.”
“Technique don’t fuckin’ fall in love with people/
Hold the person that you love closely if they’re next to you/
The one you love, not the person that’ll simply have sex with you/
Appreciate them to the fullest extent and then beyond/
‘Cause you never really know what you got until it’s gone.” 1
A MAN’S SOCIAL PROGRAMMING
“Get comfortable with being alone. It will empower you.” -Jonathan Tropper
In an article entitled “Most Men Are Cowards, But Too Cowardly to Admit It,” author Paul Hudson writes:
“Men set ridiculous and stupid expectations for themselves and then do all they can to hide their inability to live up to them. Men aren’t evil bastards; they’re stupid bastards who are too cowardly to admit how cowardly they really are. When did fear become a bad thing? When was it that we decided that the most basic of evolutionary traits was something that was to be overcome and avoided? Instead of being seen as advantageous, fear in man is believed to be a weakness. This backwards way of thinking is the reason why the world is constantly in a state of war.” 2
In the song, what is Immortal Technique’s reason for never even attempting to touch this woman he’s desperately in love with (just talking)? He claims he wanted to “keep it real.” It is completely normal and natural for a man who is in love with a woman to pursue her. Nobody thinks sharing the physical expression of their mutual love for one another is a cop-out. It’s one of the greatest joys and blessings in life, in fact. Saying that he is “keeping it real” is one of the typical tried-and-true justifications men give for not pursuing women who scare them (coupled with intense feelings for these women that also scare them).
Dating coach veteran Katja Rembrandt validates that it is harder for successful women to find a partner due to this social construct of modern masculinity. “It is tougher because it takes a very confident man who probably isn’t on the same rung of the corporate ladder, not to be intimidated. Very ambitious and very capable women are still very scary for the majority of men.” 3
In the book The Love Gap, Jenna Birch explains, “Until men can provide for a family…they don’t feel comfortable dating seriously or making a lifelong commitment. And no matter how much men say they want an equal partner (a woman who’s smart and independent), studies find that such women often make men feel emasculated or inferior.” Birch told the Washington Post that, “There’s a lot of survey data that said men were really into these smart career women. But I looked around at who was struggling with dating, and they tended to be that type. If this type of woman is the dream girl, then why are they having so many problems?” 4
Well, Birch discovered in writing her book that something known as “psychological distance” may come into play. Essentially, psychological distance is when an idea feels good in the abstract, but when one encounters it in the flesh and blood, it loses its appeal. Her research revealed that men liked the concept of dating what Immortal Technique called a “disciplined, intellectual beauty” from a distance, but, in reality, it was not appealing to them.
“A LADY IN THE STREET BUT A FREAK IN THE BED…”
“In solitude, the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself.” -Laurence Stern
The Madonna/Whore Complex (or it is sometimes called “Madonna/Whore Dichotomy”) is when men believe that a woman can be either good (nurturing mother, helpful nurse, kind school teacher) or bad (someone who enjoys sex, wears sexy clothing, has a high number of sex partners) but not both. This concept, in a nutshell, says that men find it difficult to see a woman as both “motherly” and “sexy” at the same time. Rapper Usher famously sang in his song “Yeah” that he wants “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed” 5–this is the Madonna/Whore Complex. Let me explain it another way: some women are fuckable–freaks (women in sexy clothes with a high number of sex partners); some women are lovable–ladies (educated, classy, smart, conservatively dressed). Immortal Technique spends the entire first verse telling us how the woman in his song is clearly a “lovable lady.” Any surprise that he brags about “fucking a lot of different women” but never had sex with the one that mattered? Any surprise that, in the last verse, he distinguishes between “the one you love, not the person that’ll simply have sex with you”? Of course not.
WHERE DOES “MARRYING UP” LEAVE TOP WOMEN?
“If you want to be strong, learn to enjoy being alone.” -Buddhist saying
So let’s talk about the “women intimidate men” pink elephant in the living room here…why is the heroine in Immortal Technique’s song turning her nose up at all the guys coming on to her but she develops a friendship and ultimately falls in love with one who ends up getting arrested and going to jail? Why is she buying him books or borrowing on his behalf from the library? He made it pretty clear to us that this young lady could have whoever she wanted, right? Well, it actually makes perfect sense.
I remember learning about something called “marrying up” in one of my Sociology classes. Historically, men tend to marry women with less social status than them, such as less-educated, younger women with less money and less impressive careers (or no careers). Likewise, women prefer “marrying up” (men with more education, more money, better jobs, and older than them). This has been the system since the dawn of time. Unfortunately, it leaves women of the highest social status and men of the lowest social status chronically single.
Ladies, we have all dated men from this category at one point or another. We tend to beat ourselves up about it, but, in reality, there are very good reasons why the most amazing women are often involved with the least amazing men–beyond just their on-going availability (see the chart to the left).
First of all, bottom men have absolutely nothing to lose by approaching top women. They are expecting to be shot down. Psychologist and coach Perpetua Neo told Business Insider that successful women are willing to put in hard work and effort–when it comes to making partner at the firm or dating a “fixer-upper” guy. While a pink collar woman might think, “He’s not working? I need a guy who can help me. No way,” a white collar woman might think, “He’s not working? It’s so hard to find a job after graduation. I can ride it out until he gets hired on somewhere.” 6 What some think of as this woman “giving too much,” the top woman probably thinks of as “trying hard,” something for which she is typically praised.
Now let’s take into consideration the “masculine social programming” experienced by bottom men. Unfortunately, the pressures of masculine performance are eating at these guys the most, which turns a lot of them into narcissists. Bobbi Palmer of Date Like a Grownup told the Huff Post, “These pathologically self-centered guys want a strong woman who has a lot to give…these types of men look for women who can constantly stroke their ‘surprisingly fragile’ egos. They also want someone ‘steady and strong’ they can count on to take care of them–particularly someone empathetic to attend to their ‘child-like needs’ and someone smart who they can prove they’re even smarter. They also tend to want self-sufficient women so they don’t actually have to take care of the woman’s needs…” 7 Furthermore, bottom men are often alpha males–just because they don’t have pensions, college degrees, or stand 6’0″ tall, doesn’t mean they don’t have commanding presences. Plus, sex with them is a big no-no, and taboo is a huge turn-on.
LESSONS FROM “SEX & THE CITY”
“I want to enjoy my success, not apologize for it.” -Miranda, Sex & the City
Dating coach Katja Rembrandt says, “Women are groomed to think that the man should have an even better job than them, so he can be the provider, even when she’s perfectly capable of being the provider herself. These men are not usually looking for a very ambitious, hardworking, probably overworked wife…99% of the men you want to meet don’t want to meet you. They might want to meet you for business contracts, but not as a future partner.” 8 Ouch! Let’s look at the most famous “top women” we all know and love…who did the characters from Sex & the City end up with?
Charlotte traded the man in her “box of dreams” (JFK Jr.) for someone still super successful, just not famous or GQ-esque, Harry. By focusing on his qualities (loving, caring, supportive) instead of his credentials (bald, short, not a celebrity), she found someone she truly loved. Miranda traded her dream man (Jon Stewart from the “Daily Show”) for a patient, caring bartender who first broke up with her because he was intimidated by her money. It took Steve about 2 years to move past that, but he got there (opening his own bar helped). Despite all of Samantha’s efforts to not let her on-going boy toy Smith hold her hand in public or call her his girlfriend, in the end, his unfaltering love, support, and care turned the tide. He was working several part-time waiter and caterer jobs when they met and was two decades younger.
Some say that couples must choose between “being right or being in love,” but for modern bad ass single women the choice looks more like, “Do you want to be coupled up or do you want to wait for Mr Big”? Carrie and Mr. Big dated on and off for ten years before they unceremoniously agreed to marry for asset protection purposes. In John Gray’s Mars & Venus on a Date, he lays out some great advice for women on Carrie’s path:
- understand that it is natural for all men to pull away periodically–it’s not about you
- uncertainty is a normal, natural phase during the dating process–and some men dwell in uncertainty for years (or, as Miranda would say, they are like taxis driving around with their lights on that never pick up any passengers)
- a woman must resist the tremendous urge to start pursuing the man when he stops pursuing her (let him experience the uncertainty), which leads me to the final bulletpoint…
- while uncertain men should just focus on one woman at a time to see if he is interested in getting further involved, women in uncertainty should date around and fill up their time with a variety of different guys to see who is most fulfilling and keep expectations low at this point
If you want to wait for Mr. Big, you need to understand the above 4 concepts. If waiting is not your bag, the Sydney Morning Herald reports, “Rembrandt encourages women to look for, and appreciate, the value of partners who are willing to support their success rather than compete with it. These men may have lower incomes and lower status. And, no, this isn’t the age-old advice to ‘settle.’ Settling is when you lower your standards and effectively put your needs second. Finding a man who’s going to support your success is about putting your needs first.” 9 Birch, author of The Love Gap, echoes this sentiment as well, saying, “There were a lot of women in my book who ended up dating men who all their friends and family said: ‘Don’t do it. He’s not going to put a label on it. He’s taking forever. He’s so skittish.’ But a lot of the women learned that they had to be patient and work through it on an individual level with these guys who were putting so much pressure on themselves to provide, which I thought was really great.” 10
HOW TO DEAL WITH BEING AN “INTIMIDATING SINGLE WOMAN”
“Being alone has a power that very few people can handle.” -Steven Aitchison
First of all, let’s acknowledge that a really big percentage of the world is completely controlled by their inability to be alone. They are chasing after abusive basement-dwellers, visiting their X’s in jail, accepting booty calls from guys who don’t give them orgasms back, and so on…all because they can’t do what we do. Standing alone takes courage. It is an act of bravery. Remind yourself of this frequently. Also, remember to make gratitude a daily habit. We never have to deal with his snoring, don’t have to share the remote, never have embarrassing arguments in public, and never have to cry ourselves to sleep because of some off-hand comment a man made. One of my personal favorite things about being single is that my vibrator has never asked me for a blow job 3 seconds after I come.
I was once involved with a guy 20 years younger than me (one of the perks of being a single M.I.L.F.). We had agreed to have casual sex. There we were sitting in my kitchen, no-strings agreement reached, and nothing happening. He told me he was still too nervous to kiss me and get the ball rollin.’ For fuck’s sake! I felt like Mrs. Robinson in the phone booth telling Benjamin to give me our hotel room number. The next day we went out with a group of friends, and I saw my “Benjamin” walk right up to some random young lady in the crowd, start dancing with her, and by the 2nd or 3rd song, grab her and kiss her like nothing. Clearly, he had labeled her a non-intimidating “fuckable” woman, and I realized he had a serious crush on me!
It used to be, “He’s just not that into you.” But, for women who intimidate men, when a guy stalls, postpones a date, or disappears for two weeks, I read that the opposite way–it’s just a historical fact. If he’s “just not that into me,” he’ll drop some hints (or just directly ask) for casual sex before disappearing. If he is that into me, he won’t. Most “dating rules” were not written for women like us. A/B split test your own rules since the conventional ones most likely don’t apply. Like starting out with casual sex and then seeing what develops…this has always been discouraged by dating gurus. In my experience, casual sex can keep him coming back long enough to realize you aren’t going to bite his head off like a praying mantis. Just be careful to be honest with yourself about what’s happening because he can turn into a deer in headlights at any moment during this phase.
Again, John Gray writes in Mars & Venus on a Date:
“These women (who remain single) mistakenly approach their relationships with men the way they want men to approach them. They are repelled by the thought of a needy man, so they are very careful not to need a man…They are surprised that their self-reliant attitude does not make them attractive…A woman needs to understand within herself why she may need a man and then learn how to express this vulnerability in a healthy way…The more self-sufficient a woman becomes, the more she hungers for the nurturing support of a man’s romantic affections, friendship, and companionship. Women today experience a deep longing to feel the intimate passion that only good communication and romance can provide.” (p. 305-307)
I say take Gray’s advice and be clear with confused, intimidated dates that you love getting a man’s emotional support (listening and validating you after a crappy day). It’s important that top women are mindful of the energy we give off. Yes, “resting bitch face” is some sexist ass bullshit, but let’s revisit Immortal Technique’s rap ballad again. He says the woman in the song didn’t talk to “average” guys, and her body language was closed off. No, baddies, we don’t have to smile 24/7, but if you are trying to attract Mr. Big, show receptive body language, be open-minded, and have the right attitude. Remember our brains are hardwired for women to flirt and men to pursue. Women have been in the workforce for like 5 minutes, historically speaking. Millions of years of brain evolution hasn’t changed in the last half a century. It is still generally optimal to let him feel like he’s “hunting” you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t run a little slower. Drop hints. Make direct eye contact. Flash your smile. Touch his arm. The less he feels he will be rejected, the more likely he is to make a move.
Ladies, add these affirmations to your morning meditations: “I am lovable. I am date-able. I am approachable. I am kissable.” Embrace humor (re-post the memes in this article). Follow your daily gratitude practice. And remember that, statistically speaking, single women are happier than married women. 11 And it’s not just childless single women that are happier–single moms are also happier than married moms. According to the research, single moms do the same amount of child care as married ones, but single moms have fewer household chores! 12 No mystery that married men are, however, happier than single men because, according to this research, married men contribute apparently nothing by way of childcare, cooking, or cleaning. 13 Do you want to trade your happiness for his? Fuck that!
What actually prompted me to write this article (and award myself the “MVP of Intimidating Men” trophy from the above Instagram post) was when I finally met a guy who I was certain would not be intimidated by me–a multi-millionaire who had just appeared on the cover of a men’s muscle magazine and was 14 years older than me. Certainly this was a man who could handle me! He flaked on the date he made with me…and I saw the same old “I’m Terrified Two Step” play out again, as it had done for years. While I was deeply, deeply disappointed, not so much in him, but in the universe in general (because clearly I had manifested this guy!), it also made me realize how much power I have. Maybe some of us are on this planet to start websites like this one instead of to be comforted by man hugs after a long day.
Finally, I really like Jenna Birch’s advice to single women: “Don’t get a complex.” She explains to the Washington Post:
“I wanted to arm single women with that knowledge of the pressures that men feel so that they could be patient; that they could know it was not about them, that it wasn’t personal. A lot of times, when a man says ‘I don’t know if I can commit,’ women are told ‘he’s just not that into you.’ That if you were the right person, he would commit. And I did not find that. I have several friends whose long-term partners or husbands said the same thing to them as they were dating. And lots of friends and family did say: ‘You need to throw it away. He’s not going to do it.’ And they said: ‘You know, I see such potential in this that I’m going to take a risk. I’m going to wait for him and see if he can figure out how to build a relationship.’ A lot of these guys did over time. That was my big advice on relating for women, to have that kind of empathy.” 14
Really, the way we bitch about porn consumption ruining men, rom-com consumption has ruined us in the same way. Mr. Rich-Classy-Guy is probably not going to pull up to your house in his limo, climb your fire escape with a bouquet of flowers in his teeth, and rescue you from the tower of “turning tricks.”
BEFORE YOU OPEN THAT BEN & JERRY’S TUB OF “DON’T GET A COMPLEX”…
“Leadership is the other side of the coin of loneliness…” -Ferdinand Marcos
We are what women have been dying for and fighting for for centuries. How far have we come that today we have a Beyonce-led campaign to stop calling little girls “bossy”? #BanBossy! It was only 300 years ago that we were being burned at the stake in the streets of Massachusetts for our “witchcraft.” A hundred years ago, we were casting our first votes in the US. We are pioneers. And it’s not just our daughters watching–women denied education and abortions around the world are watching (and championing). Yes, you. And me. Right now, this, we are writing history. Nobody said that shit was going to be comfortable. So this is what it looks like. OK.
Things are slowly changing…we are actively effecting change! Research shows that a few years ago, men started marrying women who were more educated that they were, on average. While husbands are still out-earning wives, a third of women today are the main breadwinners. This number could well be 50/50 by the time our daughters and grand-daughters are graduating. 15 There is a woman in the White House not picking out wallpaper, baby! History is being written right now, and we are playing an important role in it.
A NOTE TO THE MEN READING
“Smarter than me? I don’t want anyone smarter than me.” -George Costanza on Seinfeld (“The Fix-Up” episode)
The new “trophy wife” is not big tits–it’s big brains, flex job, and six pack abs. While you’re stressed about not having enough money for the intimidating women you’ve fallen head over heels for, that is actually the last thing we need you for. Listening, validating, hugging…all free. No education or experience required.
On about my third date with my first husband, he just looked me straight away and said, “I’m intimidated by your beauty and intelligence.” Over 20 years later, it remains the most special compliment I’ve ever received in my life. It was incredibly flattering, yes, because he was a catch, but more so because he admitted the one thing that guys have obviously been thinking about me since third grade. He was the only one honest and sincere enough to tell me the truth. Instead of seeming weak or girly to me for confessing this, he actually seemed even stronger and more trustworthy. That is “keepin’ it real.”
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POST WRITTEN BY
S.N. is the founder of Spiritual Virago. She is a vegetarian 🥕 + bonafied geek 📚 + mama bear 👨👧 + investor 📈. This former NCAA Track & Field All-American 🏃♀️ enjoys line dancing & is addicted to Burt's Bees chapstick 💄Read her inspiring story. She offers spiritual coaching, trauma mastery coaching, & business coaching. S.N. is also a celebrated speaker and author. Her personal motto: "It's not the size of the woman in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the woman." 💪💯
📸 INSTAGRAM :: @SpiritualVirago
Footnotes
- https://genius.com/Immortal-technique-you-never-know-lyrics
- https://www.elitedaily.com/life/culture/men-cowards-cowardly-admit/643275
- https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/dating-expert-explains-why-it-s-harder-for-successful-women-to-find-love-20180805-p4zvo6.html
- https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2018/02/02/men-say-they-want-smart-successful-women-so-why-do-these-women-have-trouble-dating/
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxBSyx85Kp8
- https://www.businessinsider.com/why-intelligent-and-high-performing-women-fall-for-toxic-partners-2019-7?r=MX&IR=T#1-high-performance-women-are-willing-to-put-in-the-work-1
- https://www.businessinsider.com/why-intelligent-and-high-performing-women-fall-for-toxic-partners-2019-7?r=MX&IR=T#1-high-performance-women-are-willing-to-put-in-the-work-1
- https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/dating-expert-explains-why-it-s-harder-for-successful-women-to-find-love-20180805-p4zvo6.html
- https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/dating-expert-explains-why-it-s-harder-for-successful-women-to-find-love-20180805-p4zvo6.html
- https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2018/02/02/men-say-they-want-smart-successful-women-so-why-do-these-women-have-trouble-dating/
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202102/why-so-many-single-women-without-children-are-happy
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-single/201906/single-moms-less-housework-more-leisure-married-moms
- https://uk.style.yahoo.com/expert-says-marriage-makes-men-happier-than-women-092140705.html
- https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2018/02/02/men-say-they-want-smart-successful-women-so-why-do-these-women-have-trouble-dating/
- https://ifstudies.org/blog/a-record-share-of-men-are-marrying-up-educationally
